shut eyes.

used to be able to compare things.
to speak in metaphors. to be able to explain things.
to talk about them. without actually talking about them.

i dont seem to be able to do that any longer.
as i sit and try to find the words to express my thoughts.
my time in life. it is blank. so i think, well maybe its because the box at the bottom of the screen is flashing orange. and someone is waiting for a response. so i close my eyes. and i stop. i breathe. still. nothing.

so maybe if i just continue to type with my eyes closed. feed the words to my fingers. not necessarily worry how the post will look when im finished. but just let it go. thats what i used to do.

i used to do a lot of things. now. most of those things dont even exist in my life.
i no longer have control. even when i try.
i try. and i fail. over and over.

the childrens movie of a fish just came to mind.
just keep swimming. just keep swimming...

its a good thought. good idea. but i dont know how to swim. i cant.
one thing i was never taught as a child.
one thing we are never taught as a society.
not literal swimming this time.

you told me i attach to someone. and base everything around them.
thats both true and false.
i have lost more than i have won. i have lost more than i have recieved. so you are right in the sense that maybe i attach on. but only because if its making me happy. if these people are making me happy. i want to hold on tight. and make sure they cant get away...i just want to be happy.
like the rest of everyone.

its not crazy.
im not crazy.
im not messed up. not too much.
i am not heartless.
i am not a coward.
i am not selfish.
i am human.

please be patient with me.
as i try to make it easier for the rest of the world to be around me.