revolving doors.

as a sixteen year old, who loved someone unconditionally, i had so many thoughts. so many outlooks on life. the way people should treat others. how unimportant the things we focused our time on were. to live life simply. to love people. to be real. to feel. to offer hope and love to each and everyone you meet. i could write my thoughts down. i was inspired. i was enwrapped in this idea of living a life that makes you happy. i wanted to read, to indulge myself in conversation. invest in relationships. in people. i loved like i have never loved before.

now. as an eighteen going on nineteen year old, i realize these thoughts do not flood my head. not even close. my outlook on life in general is vague. it is safe and common. just after i turned eighteen, the people i invested my all in, left. everything i knew and held close was gone. with those people, went hope. followed by my outlook and feelings. i became numb. a body of bones and organs. nothing more. nothing less. it wasnt until just a few minutes ago, did i realize that maybe, maybe its when i am happy, genuinely whole heartedly happy, that i can share things like outlooks and simple guidelines. that maybe loving someone else is the best thing for me. because ever since then, i have been trying to put me together. to figure out exactly who it is i am. who i was and who i will become. i have been trying to reach a state of happiness of gratitude of hopeful being. but maybe, its when i stop trying or forcing those things, that i really start to learn.
that i will fall in peace and comfort. maybe it is then that i will long for simplicity and conversations and relationships on levels that they are currently not.

because back then life wasnt hard. it just had rough spots.that allowed me to challenge myself and to appreciate the good. now it all proves to be a challenge. forcing me to dig for the 'good.'


god give me strength. give me wisdom. give me the desire to honor you. give me love.