within the bones.

i am capable of choosing my own words thank you.
maybe i gave the wrong impression.

but i am capable.
i choose just fine.

i know i dont make sense to most of the world
i know i am not easy and plain.
i am twisted. i am complicated. and i am broken.
and with that. comes a mess.
a mess of a person.
tangled in self image, self thoughts. what makes up my insides.
i cant find the words for what is going on in there.
my head and my heart. they have run into each other.
somewhere in my throat. and i cant seem to find the space
for the words to come up.

who i am on the surface. to the mass. i am okay with that person.
i am a friendly. caring. loving. loving. open. free. loving. person.

who i am in these thoughts. who i am when i struggle. when i am fighting.
that person i hate. i despise. i want to rid myself of it.
i try to ignore it. to leave it behind. and not let myself think that way.
i hate it so much. and i cant find a way to fix it. to stop that person from being that way.
to stop myself from being that way.
i am trapped in there.

its like. i have two of me. and its so hard to verbalize.
its constantly like an out of body experience.
maybe its depression. but i dont know.
i feel in control to an extent. i feel in control enough to not be depressed.
because i am not in a constant state of depression.

my inside person. the one i hate.
thats the one who struggles. who hurts.
who feels pain. who is stuck.
who wants to push through.
who needs. who wants. who needs more.
who needs love. who loves when i should not.
who thinks you feel the same. who cant cut the strings.

i ignore that person mostly.


this is getting long.
everytime i try to verbalize this.
i am left blank. clueless. feeling hopeless.

i want god in my life. i want him there. i want to grow stronger.
i want to read my bible everyday. i want to call out to him. to trust him with everything i am.
 but there is a part of me. that wants to give up completely.

to literally. float along in this life. not trying.
not loving. not giving. not feeling.




i need your positive conversations in my life.
i need your laughing. and your happiness.
i need that to fill me up. please.



i think....