torn

i think maybe it is depression.
i dont eat regularly, its just easier
to not worry about what to eat.
and in result. i feel sick. all the time.
i feel borderline, repulsive.
i dont smile.
i dont want to talk about 'it'
but i can not stand not talking to someone.
but i dont think anyone knows how to just
talk to me. they never have before.
i want my best friend back.
i wish you werent the same person.
now i have to force friendships.
it is embarrassing. and i feel as though i am nothing.
if only i could listen to my own words.
my own advice. in times like these.
because i can dish it out. but i can not consume.

i said this would happen. no one wanted to believe me.
sure i could try to talk to all of you. every single second of my day.
but  you know what that does. it makes me feel like
you dont care. and that i am being bothersome.

i think its depression. i dont like that.
i dont want to be that. i dont want this to define me.
it  has. and it is going to.



shit.